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#12
Even knowing this, even in the midst of it, comes an incredible nostalgia for the familiar, for what one was -- or rather thought one was. The pinpoint. The little, busy thing. Thus my “Going Poem” (see 5 minute corner # 13) is well worded when it addresses the disappearing one as “my darling.” Going is about the ultimate break-up. The end of the ultimate love affair! The one we have with ourselves. Like the break-up of any “bad” relationship, there is a relief in being done with the whole thing. But simultaneously, there is a longing to return to the beauty of the illusion under which one was living. We do not want to return to the reality of the relationship. The reality of it is why we are breaking up! But rather the illusion of the relationship! How wonderful it was, when in fact it was never, ever that. Nostalgia is a looking back through a tinted lens. The lens is not time.
Time does not change the view. The lens is how we wish it had been--how
we wish we had been. But since we cannot change what was, we simply choose
to remember it differently, and then turn the past into our memory of
it. The irony is that we end up longing for something that never was,
something we have created in our minds out of regret. |
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